It’s been an odd year and not for the obvious reasons. I swear on the new strain of COVID I will not make a corny end of year reference about 2020. What I mean is it’s been an odd year in the NFL.
First off the Patriots suck, which isn’t a bad thing, but is something I haven’t seen in my lifetime. The Bills are good, which again is something I haven’t seen in my lifetime. The NFC East is somehow the worst yet most interesting division in football and there’s a pro football team in Las Vegas that, ironically, has the worst luck.
The entirety of the 2020 NFL season was basically summed up in the past weekend, which featured games on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. For women who may not understand how beautiful this is, it’s the equivalent of binge watching Grey’s Anatomy for four straight days, which also results in tears, an odd aroma emanating from 4 day old sweatpants, and ‘just one more cheat day’.
Now guys, let’s be honest… 99.99% of women aren’t reading a blog titled ’16 Reasons Why Week 16 Summed Up the NFL.’ I just like to point out every now and then how the NFL puts guys through a similar mind pretzel and how we too are suppressing a twisted emotional disconnect through grown sweaty men every week for a season at a time.
Anyways, enough of that sissy talk right? Time to talk about 13 Reasons Why... Sorry, I mean 16 reasons why week 16 summed up the NFL.
1) Kamara is a Saint
New Orleans is the worst good team of this NFL season (omitting the Steelers, they’re the best worst team). Every year there’s one of those teams you look at and just know they can’t win a Super Bowl, but congrats on the good record. The real life equivalent is that guy who’s got a really clean record and is respectable, but with whom no girl wants to end up in February.
I may be a little bitter for this one, but that’s only because Alvin Kamara stomped on my chances of winning in my Fantasy Football Championship before we even got to Sunday, proving once again that he is the only chance this team has of winning in the postseason. Drew Brees is the new Alex Smith check down machine and Micheal Thomas had such an irrelevant year this is probably the first time you’re seeing his name on a screen since your last Fantasy draft. The triplets in New Orleans cease to exist this year and so do their Super Bowl chances, good effort though.
2) Tom Brady Needs the Perfect Situation to Win
Beating Detroit is like visiting Detroit, not anything to brag about. But let the tweets pour in about how Tom is in the playoffs and the Patriots aren’t and how it’s a coincidence…NOT. Good one sports analysts, but lest we forget Brady literally has the same team as your little brother during his 6th season in Madden 21 Franchise mode. It’s ridiculous: Mike Evans, Chris Godwin, Antonio Brown, Gronk, Ronald Jones, Leonard Fournette, Shady McCoy and a stellar defence. In New England they had to cheat more than an NBA player and make the NFL rig a few games (cough Tuck Rule cough). Now with the Bucs, he pulled a LeBron James and formed a superteam in Florida. I absolutely killed those basketball references.
3) 49ers Remind Everyone They’re Prime
Get the title? Cause the game was only available on Amazon Prime? Ok I may be pushing the references, but George Kittle is back baby and my 49ers upset the flashy Cardinals to remind everyone that they are a good team, even when semi-healthy. Just wait til we get everyone else back, including our whole defensive line which is what we prided ourselves on during last year's Super Bowl run. Good for Kyle Shanahan and San Francisco, we’re now 1-0 in the Josh Rosen era and have the best losing record in sports, 6-9.
4) FitzMagic Reminds Dolphins Fans They Don’t Have a QB
First off, I would just like to say that this was the most Raiders way to lose. Just an absolute bullshit chain of events that you could not have scripted better. I feel for my die hard Raider family members, I don’t know what other series of unfortunate events are left in store for them. The Immaculate Reception, The Tuck Rule, losing the Super Bowl to your former coach, and having a 38 year old bearded guy that looks like my neighbour come off the bench and throw a dime down the sideline with 19 seconds left despite his neck being cranked backwards like the chick from the exorcist. The worst part is that the catch still had them out of field goal range but the 15 additional yards from the face mask on Fitzpatrick is what iced it. Only the Raiders, am I right? To quote my cousin after the loss: “the NFL isn’t good for your health”.
Anyways, the Dolphins win but have no idea how to feel. They snip snap back and forth between quarterbacks more than Micheal Scott getting vasectomies. That joke has been made already, so I’ll make another outdated tv sitcom reference: the Dolphins leave their quarterbacks on ‘the hook’ more than that girl from that How I Met Your Mother episode. This is getting awkward with how much they go back and forth between Tua and Fitz. Also I don’t like how their head coach said Tua is their guy but “if we’ve got to go to our relief pitcher in the ninth, that’s what we’ll do”. Shut-up. This isn’t baseball, don’t ruin this sport.
5) Younghoe Koo becomes an Atlanta Falcon
Oh Atlanta. Once again you blow a lead, at least this time we expected you to blow it. Not because you do it on a weekly basis, but because you played the Chiefs. On second thought, this is actually an impressive blown lead for you guys. At least it wasn’t against the Cowboys, Bears, or in the Super Bowl. But let’s not bring that up again, this is a monumental weekend for the franchise. Their best player, Younhoe Koo, truly became an Atlanta Falcon this Sunday. Having the chance to push the game to overtime on a very makeable field goal, he sliced it right and lost the game for them. Atta boy Younghoe, you're getting the hang of it. You’ll fit in Atlanta just fine.
6) Hurts to be in the NFC East
Despite how shitty this division is, I actually looked forward to the Jalen Hurts vs Andy Dalton match-up this past weekend. But just as the NFC East does, it let us down when the Eagles got blown out in the Jerry Dome. However, I love the drama this division brings as we still have no idea who is winning this JV level division and getting a home playoff game. It’s keeping football fans on our toes, and being a true football fan who else can you root for but The Football Team. We’ll see them play next Sunday Night and find out the outcome of this terrible division in the last game of the season. Talk about getting down to the wire.
C’mon that’s a stellar reference. You should go subscribe to our Down to the Wire podcast if you agree.
7) Da Bears are average
Welcome back, thanks for following my podcast on Spotify. Speaking of actions I can’t fully rely on happening, is Trubisky the answer? Nah I’m just kidding, of course not. But can he out duel Mike Glennon? The most overlooked headline leading up to this weekend was Mike Glennon’s revenge game against the Bears. That’s also a joke. But all I can say in this section are almost jokes because that’s what the Bears are. They’re not laughable like the Jets or Jaguars, but not respectable like your mother either. It’s a tough spot to be in, but nothing wrong with being average. Again, that last part was almost a dick joke. Pretty much sums up the 2020 Chicago Bears, an almost joke of a franchise. But not quite! So good for you Chicago, stick to deep-dish pizza and being relevant once every decade.
8) The Rams are Frauds
Been saying it all year, I don’t believe in Sean McVay and the LA Rams. They are what we call in the wannabe sports journalism world ‘frauds’. They have the flashy stadium and tacky jerseys to grab your attention, but don’t fall for it. My biggest beef with them is Jared Goff and how people think he’s a good starting quarterback in the NFL. There’s something about his face that makes me not want to punch it, but kick it. He seems like a kick in the face kind of guy, I don’t know why. I shouldn’t be too hard on the guy, he just broke his thumb and got surgery but it’s probably for the best. The Rams signed Blake Bortles off the Broncos practice squad and the league is better when Blake is quarterbacking a team. Let’s hope for a legendary back-up quarterback matchup between the Rams and Cards in Week 17 to determine who gets in the playoffs.
9) Steelers are still Frauds
Ya ya what a comeback, who cares they still suck. I just can’t get behind a team who’s longest tenured receiver has more TikTok videos than catches this year, grow up. At the same time it’s hard to tell a guy named Ju Ju to grow up, but come on man that app is for 13 year olds, Chinese spies, and pedophiles. By the way go follow our TikTok @dttwentertainment. The Steelers, like the Rams, are also frauds. I will give credit where credit is due and respect the fact that Big Ben completely ignored the ‘very predictable’ play calls from his OC and called his own plays for the second half comeback. That is some big baller shit and they should let him call the shots for the remainder of his time there. However, you’re still frauds.
10) Jets are cursed
What's worse than going 0-14? Winning two straight to go 2-14 and losing the first overall pick in the Draft. Those two wins ‘clinched’ the first selection of the draft for the Jags. How the hell can you do that to your fans? Put them through the embarrassment of not winning your first 14 games, then taking the only thing they have in telling their friends “well at least we’ll get Trevor Lawrence in the Draft” away from them? That’s got to be as frustrating as an argument with a girlfriend who’s upset you liked a girl's picture but is always talking to guys at the bar to be ‘friendly’. Sorry, that was a little personal and had no correlation to the Jets. But don’t feel bad, second is just as good as first, if you’re not Ricky Bobby.
11) But We’re Good on Paper!
This game between the Broncos and Chargers didn’t matter in the slightest bit, but it summed up the major disappointment both these teams were this year. These are your classic ‘good on paper’ teams. You’d think a team with a quarterback that showed promise late last year in Drew Lock paired with Courtland Sutton, Jerry Jeudy, Noah Fant, Melvin Gordon, and sweet alternate jerseys would be decent at the very least. To be fair, Sutton got hurt, but dude you have Jerry fucking Jeudy, you should be throwing him the ball at least 14 times a game. On the other end you have the Chargers who have the same story every year: loads of talent but not even a threat at the end of the year to make the playoffs. Herbert is a bright spot but cannot close out a game for the life of him, and maybe that’s the coach but as we say here in Canada, they’re all Sweedish no Finnish.
12) Houston’s Got a Problem
We knew this right when they traded away D-Hop but it’s worse than I thought. I have no idea how this team can win double digit games again unless they make some major splashes in the off-season. Please don’t let Deshaun Watson be another wasted career like Stafford, this guy is too fun to watch to only see him on the after-thought highlights on RedZone every week. Also it was a little too late for you to have an unbelievable week, David Johnson. No one cared, not even Fantasy owners because whoever had you probably wasn’t in the finals. Houston has it rough always being the ‘other’ team in Texas, but they better figure that shit out quick before they become completely irrelevant. Time for big changes in the state where everything is ‘bigger’, which is also something people with small dicks would say, makes sense that they all own trucks.
13) The Year Former Pro-Bowl Receivers are relevant again
It’s almost like I’m in high school again seeing Dez throw up the X and AB scoring touchdowns on back to back weekends. It’s also starting to feel like high school again because I’m staying in on the weekend not seeing any friends. Somehow Antonio Brown went from the most hated guy to the guy everyone is rooting for and you know what? Fuck it. The guy is one of the best in the league stats-wise in the past decade. And let’s be honest, the NFL is more exciting when we have ‘divas’. So good for you AB and Dez, way to make it feel like the good ole days, we all needed that this year.
14) Aaron Rodgers is the MVP
The numbers are just ridiculous; we should have expected this when we knew stadiums were going to be empty this year. The king of the hard count had a field day with no noise and dropped 40+ TDs with only 5 picks and a 70% completion percentage so far this season. They’re the team to beat in the NFC and my bet is they make the Super Bowl and lose. It’s just facts, every league MVP who makes the Super Bowl loses, just wait till he’s there and they pull up that stat during the game and remember this moment right here. May as well plug in my Super Bowl prediction while we're on the topic and I hate to say it being a Niners fan, but KC repeats beating Green Bay 34-28.
15) The Bills are breaking More Records than Tables
Congrats Bills fans, you’re not losers this year. Not in terms of your team winning, but at least you’re breaking tables for an actual reason this year. Buffalo is the armpit of America, but for every armpit there’s an arm and God damn do you have one in Josh Allen. While Kamara was the reason I lost in one of my Fantasy leagues, Josh Allen was the reason I came from behind and won in my other one. The guy has been steady all year and if it weren’t for Rodgers he’d be a serious candidate for MVP. He just broke the Bills’ single season passing TD record and helped Stefon Diggs break the single season receptions franchise record l. These guys are serious contenders and may be the only team that has an actual chance at beating Kansas City. Soak it in Buffalo, you’re no longer the armpit of the AFC East. As for America… Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
16) Pats Need a QB for the first time in forever
As much as I love seeing the Patriots lose, it still doesn’t feel all that good. One year of terrible quarterback play doesn’t seem like much to make up for 20 years of dominance. Maybe 5 more years of this and I’ll start to feel something. But still, who cares. If I were a Patriots fan I’d be fine if they never won another game, they had their unprecedented run and there’s no reaching that again. The only downside is that it looks like the hate crime rates are going to spike in Boston again with their team being ‘cabbage’ (say that in a Boston accent). If you read my last NFL blog I mentioned that the hate crime rates spiked in Boston the same year they lost the Super Bowl, imagine how bad it will be now that they suck? Stay safe minorities down in Boston, we’re thinking of you.
If there were any week in the NFL season that would sum up the entirety of the year, it would be the past four days worth of games. There’s still a lot to happen in the final week in terms of how the playoff picture will look, but I’ve seen all I need to see. I’ll see you all in the New Year, Cheers.