Updated: May 25, 2020
It’s starting to feel like there are only 2 ways to feel about the Coronavirus Pandemic. Either you’re scared shitless like a cartoon character jumping out its pants with its eyebrows detached from its head. Or, you’re convinced the government is trying to scare us and you want to go back to being able to walk outside, go to restaurants and lick poles freely again.
However you feel, on one end or the other of the two opposite opinions swirling the news and your Twitter feed, both are stemmed from fear. You are either scared of the virus infecting you or tired of the government trying to scare you because at this point you’d risk getting corona to live freely.
I am not here to tell you that one side is wrong and the other is right, we here at Down to the Wire respect all opinions. Think about it, we have to if we draw in a demographic of people who come here strictly for the latest ‘Poop Bandit’ news stories. So what I am here for is to put things into perspective.
This blog is dedicated to all of the North Americans who feel like their governments have gone too far. Not in the sense that I agree or disagree with you, but let’s take a look at what some other countries are doing and then we’ll see how you feel.
Also, shout-out to these foreign countries taking extreme measures in unorthodox ways. It makes me happy seeing that any idea goes in times like this, but also quite concerned.
Let’s begin in Indonesia.
Last month they began deploying volunteers on the streets to dress up as ghosts that represent ‘souls of the dead’ to scare people back into their homes. The ghosts are historical Indonesian and Malaysian ghosts called ‘Pocong’, which “jump out from the grave to warn people that their soul needs to be released from the shroud in which it was buried”. Sounds rather intense.
These guys in full costume look pretty scary considering that they look identical to what a Pocong ghost is meant to look like. But that shouldn’t be the point, the main thing to take from this is that a government and police body are actually using this method as a way to deal with the pandemic.
That’s some heavy metal shit.
Just one issue, you told a news platform about it so now everyone knows your scare tactic and won’t be scared, idiot.
So now the result is they have people purposely going outside just to see what the volunteer ghosts look like…
You now have people literally doing the complete opposite of what you intended to do and have even more people roaming the streets during COVID than before.
The police department has revamped the schedule so that there will be more ‘surprise’ appearances from the fake Pocongs. But it doesn’t matter, the cat’s out of the bag, no one is going to buy it for a second anymore, stupid narcs.
However, while they completely botched it, I do like the idea. But I don’t understand how they got that many volunteers to roam the streets scaring people with the high risk of getting punched in the face. On the other hand, if I was guaranteed seeing someone poop their pants once for every three punches to the face, I would probably take that chance. Actually, not probably, I’m taking that chance any day.
The closest thing we’ve seen to this in America are KKK followers dressing up in white cloths roaming the streets, and those are actually scary because racists are real, ghosts are not.
All in all, it’s a solid plot for an episode of Scooby-Doo but I’m not sure if its so effective for scaring people into isolation.
Let’s move 15,000km North-West (Not Kanye and Kims baby, the direction) to Sweden and take a look at their ’Stay Inside’ scare tactics
The Swedish ways of getting people to stay the fuck inside are a little less dark, but still ridiculous in its own shitty way.
The town of Lund in Sweden dumped a tonne of chicken shit in its Central Park to keep people from going there. Talk about a shitty idea [insert sitcom laugh track here].
The dumping of droppings is backed by the city’s environment committee chairman, who said “We get the opportunity to fertilize the lawns, and at the same time it will stink and so it may not be so nice to sit and drink beer in the park”.
What the fuck. We’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Europeans just do it different man.
The reason for this extreme measure was because that weekend was a major holiday in Lund called ‘Walpurgis Night’. Could you imagine if Trump or Trudeau just dropped a pile of chicken shit in your towns main park on Memorial or Victoria Day just to get the message ’STAY THE FUCK INSIDE’ through to your brain.
Also, why chicken shit. I am not a country boy by any means, I’m all city. But my co-host John on our Down to the Wire podcast is from the bush and his mom spent her teenage years on the farm sticking her full arm up cows assholes and artificially inseminating turkeys. So if they say chicken shit is the worst smelling manure on planet earth, I’m taking their word for it.
As for Lund’s environment committee chairman, never mind earning the title of our ‘Shit Guy of the Week’, you’re an early candidate for Shit Guy of the Year. What if I need to take my dog for a walk asshole? I gotta catch a whiff of chicken shit? There is no way you can confine a smell like that to a certain area, that shit lingers, quite literally. On behalf of the people in Lund, fuck you.
Things are getting out of hand and it seems like no one knows how to deal with it. In all fairness, it is an unprecedented pandemic that infected over 5 million people globally as of late May. So instead of protesting or talking about how bullshit it is that you can’t go to a restaurant or lick poles again freely just yet, be grateful your government isn’t sending out kids dressed as ghosts trying to scare you or dumping chicken shit in your local park.
Not going to lie, I really miss losing money on sports, pissing in urinals, petting random peoples dogs and spending $60 just on Ubers every Friday, but things could be worse. That’s all I’m saying.
Wash them hands.
News Stories and Cover Photo Credits
indy100 | Indonesia deploying ‘ghosts’ to scare people into staying inside and it’s actually terrifying | Evie Breese
The Guardian | Swedish city to dump tonne of chicken manure in park to deter visitors | Jon Henley