COVID-XXX Geniuses

Updated: May 21

Well that picked up quickly…

It’s been just over 2 weeks since the NBA shut down and everyone started calling this COVID-19 instead of coronavirus. It’s also been 2 weeks since the excuse ‘sorry I was busy’ has been valid. It’s impossible to avoid the conversation. It’s what everyone wants to talk about right now. When was the last time you went on Twitter or checked the news and didn’t see anything corona related?

Also, this is the first time I’ve ever consistently checked the news and I hate it. It reminds me why we do Backpage News in the first place, to cover news stories that don’t make you depressed. So here’s the Backpage COVID-19 News that you don’t know about, here are the people making the most of the situation.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of ‘COVIDIOTS’ out there, but that’s for a different blog. Let’s take the time here to focus on the hustlers. But in order to beat the system during this lockdown, you need to find something everyone is craving right now.

Sex sells. Even during a pandemic. But you don’t need to tell Oregon strip club owner Shon Boulden that.

A Portland strip club, Lucky Devil Lounge, has created the most fitting American service during a nation-wide quarantine… ‘Boober Eats’.

It’s customer service at its finest. You can now get strippers to deliver you chicken wings while topless just so you and your buddies can answer the door, giggle for a second, get boners, then awkwardly eat strip club wings in your kitchen while hiding a half-chub. Kind of a weird concept now that I look back on that paragraph.

As sad as it sounds, nothing right now can beat strip club food being delivered to your front door by a local stripper. It’s about as good as life gets right now. But in all seriousness, someone needs to give this strip club owner an award for this on the fly adjustment he made to keep his business alive during a pandemic.

He’s got his bartenders promoting this new service on their social media and taking orders on the phones, kitchen staff whipping up the food, the security guards driving the strippers and of course the strippers delivering the food to the door half naked, but wearing gloves of course.

You can also order alcohol and merchandise through ‘Boober Eats’, but I’m not entirely sure what strip club ‘merch’ would entail. Don’t know if that means simple t-shirts with their logo on it (which I’m not sure why anyone would want that) or branded dildo’s, whips, butt-beads and other weird shit that you DEFINITELY don’t use. Or maybe you do now… This social-isolation thing is driving people to do crazy things.

If there’s one thing that can help America during this time, it’s greasy food and daddy issue riddled strippers going door to door spreading joy and booby glitter that you’ll keep finding on your doormat, even 6 months from now.


Sex sells, no matter what, simple as that.

PornHub saw spikes in overall traffic around the globe since people have been told to stay home. Now they’re doing their part even further by offering free PornHub Premium “in an effort to encourage the importance of staying home and practicing social distancing during the COVID-19 pandemic”.

However, not everyone in the industry is offering their services for free or encouraging people to stay at home.

A brothel in Bangkok is not shutting down for the time being. That’s right, a place where there is absolutely zero social distancing involved and encourages the swapping of fluids is staying open.

Instead of closing shop they are bringing in thermal scanners that can test customers for coronavirus. The SEVEN storey ‘entertainment venue’ has implemented thermal scanners which can detect fevers on customers trying to enter.

This place includes five-star rooms with jacuzzi’s, saunas and karaoke microphones being sanitized by one of their 200 employees at all times. They also tested each employee for the virus and gave their employees ‘coronavirus insurance’.

Not even that, Thailand’s Department of Disease Control and officials from the country’s Ministry of Health stopped by and “praised” the great lengths the venue has taken.

Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing can stop a city called Bangkok from getting their fuck on. I never thought I’d say it but going to a brothel in Bangkok may be the cleanest and safest place to get down on it during a pandemic virus outbreak that started in the country just north of it.

I am willing to bet the remaining $84 in my bank account that all you people taking advantage of swipe surges on Tinder and Tweeting #QuarantineAndChill are not going to the lengths this Bangkok brothel is going through to keep sanitary.

If you’re not implementing thermal scanners that can detect fevers in your house or have 200 maids constantly wiping door handles with Lysol, then don’t even talk to me about swapping fluids.

Everyone is just trying to bust nuts right now, even a sex toy company in Montreal is doing their part, by giving away 1,500 vibrators on St.Patricks Day alone. The company’s Chief Strategy Officer Jason Elman said: “Our goal is to send out 5,000, maybe over 10,000 vibrators and other gifts. Our number one priority is to keep everyone home, safe and happy.”

This right here shows you the divide between certain countries around the world and how they are handling the pandemic. Americans are sending out topless strippers to deliver you wings and beer, Thai people thousands of years ago decided to name a city Bangkok, so they clearly don’t give a fuck and just want to bust nuts in jacuzzis and saunas. Meanwhile Canadians are social distancing to the max and shipping out free vibrators to keep your horny asses at home.

I don’t think there has ever been this much sexual tension in society on a global scale. I can almost guarantee you that there will one day be a generation named after this time period. Move aside Baby Boomers and hello COVID Babies, congratulations you horny fucks.

To any baby being born in late 2020 or early 2021 that may read this in 15-20 years, sorry to break it to you, but you’re only here because your parents were hornier than Charlie Sheen and Mick Jagger in their prime, because no two people in their right minds would plan to have a kid during times like these.

Let’s just hope that this coronavirus outbreak stops relatively soon and wouldn’t it be a fitting way for it to end by someone sleeping with the person who finds a cure? WELL, glad you asked because that just might happen.

Russian Porn Star Lola Taylor announced on Instagram that she will have sex with the scientist that finds the cure to COVID-19. In case you’re not familiar with Lola, you can see her work on ‘Help Doc! I’m Horny!’ and ‘Euro Pickups 2’.

You’re welcome, happy quarantining.


Sources


Canoe | BREAST DEAL IN TOWN: Boober Eats sends topless strippers with food to hungry Oregonians | PostMedia

Canoe | Porn queen offers sex for COVID-19 cure, and more stories from the edge | Brad Hunter

Flipboard | Bangkok brothel brings in coronavirus thermal scanners | Jemma Carr