Custody Sword Fight

Updated: Mar 23

When you think ‘sword fight’, some think back to medieval battles with chainmail clad soldiers on horseback, others think about crossing streams with that one guy you met in a McDonalds bathroom when you were a kid.


What you don’t picture is an ex-couple battling to the death over the custody of their child with Japanese samurai swords. Which is what Kansas native, David Ostrom, has come to in a legal battle with his ex-wife over who gets custody of their kid.


Before getting into more depth about this odd yet fascinating ‘Backpage News’ story, let me first point out that ‘trial by combat’ has never been explicitly banned or restricted as a right in the United States. What I am saying here is that yes, his request is 100% valid and it doesn’t matter how obscure you may think this proposition is, because in the eye of the law it makes sense to still have ‘trial by combat’ possible in the year 2020.


He even asked the judge for a three-month delay so he can obtain Japanese samurai swords for the bout. Mr. Ostram, it is at this point in time where you must see why your wife wanted to leave you, but it is also at this point in time where I fell in love with you.


This is undeniably the most powerful of all moves in divorce history. You can digest this in one of two ways. One, you can view this guy as the pettiest man in the world who took this up to a whole other level that’s so high we ended up in the year 1817 somehow. Two, this guy is the ultimate dad and loves his kid more than Hooters on a Monday, to the point where he wants to have a battle to the death over this child.


To re-assure you, along with any feminist who may be reading this and is ‘triggered’ at the idea of Mr. Ostram wanting to resort to abuse towards his wife, the ex-wife will not be harmed in any way.


This is because David Ostram said his wife can choose her attorney, Mr. Hudson, as her "champion" to stand in for her in battle.


So fortunately to some, but unfortunately to most, we will not be seeing a husband vs. wife sword fight to the death for their kid. But on the bright side the lawyer stepping in could be an even better storyline if you think about it.


The lawyer is the one who finds cheeky ways to take your kid away from you and is the one who’s really causing all the stress. That douchebag who keeps his certificate on the wall and subtly hits on your wife, entering her life while scheming a plan to ruin yours. It’s that same asshole that is going to do everything in his power to take your kid away from you and make you pay thousands of dollars afterword on a monthly basis. Yeah… That guy is gonna get his head chopped off.


I’m assuming a conversation with his ex-wife went a little something like this:


Her: “Hey I want to keep Timmy.”

Him: “Nah, I do.”

Her: “Well we’ll see what my lawyer has to say about that.”

Him: “Talking won’t be necessary.”

Her: “What?”

Him: “I doth declare a duel with said attorney accompanied by the finest Japanese samurai sword.”

Her: You need help, David.

Him: The only one needing help is the city worker cleaning your lawyer’s skull off the pavement come three month’s time.

Her: *sighs*


Divorces are a tough time for some, I’ve seen the ugly ones turn even uglier than before. It’s like looking at a picture of Macaulay Culkin then coming across a picture of Steve Buscemi.


So, I understand David Ostram’s frustration and willingness to go toe to toe with his ex-wife’s lawyer via sword fight, however the judge does not. The judge made a statement saying, “Until the proper procedural steps to initiate a court proceeding are followed, this court will take no further action concerning any motion, objection or petition filed by either party at this time”.


It was a good attempt at knowing your rights David, I’ll give you that. But it’s not the 1800’s, dude. Take some advice and buckle your kid up in your car and take off for another state, it’s not kidnapping if it’s your kid. We get it, you’re not crazy like you said, just “frustrated”.


Photo and Story credits


Lee Brown | New York Post | Kansas man wants to settle ugly custody battle with ‘trial by combat’ with Japanese swords