Updated: Feb 7
’Tis the season of all seasons.
This time of the year includes too many different seasons for us to handle, with it being Thanksgiving for our buddy ole’ pals down South of the border, our fellow Canadians preparing for Christmas already or fans of our Down to the Wire podcast going balls to the wall with Cardigan SZN now in full swing.
But the one season that lasts much longer and causes more stress than all of these combined is the NFL season. It’s also that time of the football season where tension is so thick that you could cut through it with a butter knife. So, it’s only fitting that by Week 13 we start to see some of these jacked-up testosterone-filled players throw some shades of disrespect towards their opponents.
I’m not saying I have an issue with it, I actually think it’s exactly what’s needed this time of the year. Just as much as a family-friendly jawing match with your cousin’s boyfriend who has a fucking fauxhawk or a mud wrestlin’ showdown that leads to the turkey falling flat on the floor for the dogs to get into… ‘Tis the season, what’d you expect?
What the season also brings us is three Thursday football games back-to-back-to-back. So, to make you feel better and show you that tensions are building between everyone this time of the year, let’s walk through the most disrespectful moments from each game.
Bears vs. Lions
Some context; It’s only around noon at this point, so not much has happened to piss somebody off and go full GASHI Disrespectful on everyone. It starts off light with targeting your younger sibling, who has been planning for weeks to perform their rendition of some shitty cliché hot crossed buns song on his stupid recorder or some bullshit. But your younger brother has been getting away with murder all year and throwing you under the bus from ratting you out for blasting fireworks at him on the 4th of July or soaking his boxers in Frank’s Red Hot for the first day of school, revenge only makes sense at this point. So, what do you do? Right before he’s supposed to play his flute or whatever, you shut down all the fuses in the house to cause a black-out and ice him for his performance like a coach icing a kicker.
Similarly, the guy in charge of the lights at Ford field clearly had some beef with the group Brothers Osbourne who performed the half-time show for the Bears/Lions game. Just as the group started their performance the power went out for an extremely awkward couple minutes. In which commentator Joe Buck did what he does best and filled the empty time up with a bunch of words to help time pass. The guy announces baseball games for a living, I think he knows how to burn a couple of minutes never mind three hours of his life he’ll never get back. But needless to say, things started off fairly light this Thanksgiving, until dinner time rolled around.
Bills vs. Cowboys
Some context; Now it’s 4:30 and dinner is just about ready, but not ready enough to satisfy your stomach because you decided to not eat that morning so you can stuff yourself like the pig you are for Thanksgiving dinner. So naturally you start getting hangry and unlucky for you there isn’t a Snickers in sight to prevent you from not being you when you’re hungry. This causing you to throw some chirps at that one relative who pisses everyone off, but no one will say it because they are actually sane, and you are not. Then you start mocking your aunt’s new boyfriend for his odd routine of stretching before he eats a big meal, causing someone in the family to pull you aside and start yelling at you in the other room.
Likewise, the Buffalo Bills absolutely pounded the Dallas Cowboys in their home, then beat them 26-15. It all started with players on the Bills mocking Ezekiel Elliott’s ‘eating’ celebration. I’m not sure what to call it, but you know what I mean. it’s that thing he does when he’s hungry for more yardage, it’s a football thing. Anyways it didn’t stop there, Tre’Davious White of the Bills started mimicking Dak’s twisting the hips pre-game routine late in the fourth quarter when the game was essentially over. Just in case that didn’t show the world that tension was building for the Cowboys following Jerry Jones’ comments last week, a player on the team (who is apparently Michael Bennett) was reported to be screaming at players in the locker-room post game in frustration. Yikes.
Saints vs Falcons
Some context; You’re fully fed and collapsed on the couch from getting ‘the itis’ after a big dinner with the family. Everything is calmed down, for now. Until your scrawny cousin starts shit by saying that he’s a better athlete than your fat-ass and doesn’t want to hear about how you could have won state anymore. Leading you to challenge him to a two-on-two Turkey Bowl game outside as you force your older sister and uncle to play when they clearly don’t want too. He goes to throw a pass to your sister but knowing she can’t sell a back-shoulder fade route to save her life, you intercept it and on the return go out of your way to stiff-arm him into oblivion. Night-night. Take a seat, bitch.
Now for the this one the comparison is fairly obvious, but Shy Tuttle didn’t shy away from reminding Matt Ryan that he’s about 100 pounds heavier and got a bigger turkey leg than him. If blowing a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl doesn’t make you retire, this stiff-arm should. Enjoy a mouthful of turf for Thanksgiving this year, but at least you can always remind Saints fans that the original ‘GET OFF ME’ stiff arm was firmly delivered to them a few years back by Marshawn Lynch himself.
What I am trying to say is don’t feel bad for causing a scene during this time of the year, tensions are building between everyone so don’t think you’re the only asshole out there. It may take watching three straight football games to see that, but hey, we’re saying that like it’s a bad thing. Do yourself a favour and remind yourself that everyone is throwing shades of disrespect, it’s the season of all seasons. So we thank you NFL, for showing us that being an asshole is okay sometimes.