Psychos We Need

Is the NFL soft? Fans complain about the level of toughness taking a dip with roughing the passer penalties being ridiculous at times (just ask Clay Matthews) and with big hits not living up to the ones you see on a YouTube video titled “CRAZIEST FOOTBALL HITS OF ALL TIME (HOSPITAL SENDERS)”. Maybe the issue isn’t shitty calls by refs or hits no longer speeding up the process of CTE, but because of the lack of characters in the league


When I say ‘characters’ I don’t mean headaches like Antonio Brown or Odell Beckham filling up your social media timelines, I mean cold-blooded psychos. The Brian Dawkins, Ray Lewis’ and Lyle Alzado’s of the football world. Guys who have a screw loose and choose to try and knock it back in by exerting all their energy into football. Listen to this Brian Dawkins clip and show me where that is in the NFL.





I shouldn’t act like there aren’t any testosterone-filled nut-cases in the league. There are a few and they are just what we need.


Enter the peoples tight-end, George 'Mother-Fucking' Kittle.




Go find me more players who are laughing the whole time they pancake block someone 8 feet into the end zone. Look at him, he enjoys it. That is some twisted shit, some would say psychotic… But I love it. Give me more of that, in fact find 52 more guys like that and make a team filled with George Kittle’s.


Look at him in the video below and try and say with a straight face these aren’t crazy eyes.


‘Crazy Eyes’, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary: a trait to avoid in a potential girlfriend, but one to look for in a man you want on your football team.





This can’t be taught, it’s an attitude and attitudes grow on people. It spreads on this 49ers squad and is contagious. We need an outbreak of whatever this is and spread it across the whole league.


It can be seen in Jon Gruden, who got nicknamed after a character from a horror movie. Which is all you should need to know. But as crazy as he is on the sideline and on Hardknocks, nothing compares to old Gruden when he was a full-fledged psycho. When he coached Tampa Bay, he tracked down his quarterbacks’ number while on a honeymoon in the offseason just to discuss football, go over film and talk more football. That is who I want leading me, guys that go insane for the game.


Give me a safety that walks and talks like Brian Dawkins once did, crawling and screaming as he enters the field. Give me face-paint-smeared Ray Lewis pumping up the guys in the locker room and putting his helmet straight into an opponent’s ribcage, then doing it over and over and over just for fun.


Speaking of over and over, find me another Marshawn Lynch and reproduce that Marshawn Lynch into more Marshawn Lynch’s. Then maybe take one of those Marshawn Lynch’s and mate it with a George Kittle, then take that kid and make it mate with Jon Gruden.


Okay, pause.


That may be a little fucked up. But that’s how hard it is to find the types of guys we need in the NFL, that I’m considering biologically combining the -- you know where I’m going with that.


Maybe the guys I’m talking about are once in a generation players that don’t come around too often. But let’s change that and have a league filled of men with mentalities like these guys. They don’t have to be as great as some of those mentioned, but at least as crazy.


So for Christmas this year all I want is for more nutcases to be in the NFL. Let’s start with trimming the fat and cut the people that aren’t fit for this sport. Starting with Mason Rudolph, which is where I’m going to end this blog off; with a video of him crying.


Don't say I didn't get you anything, Merry Christmas.