The Art of Theft

The art of theft is something that has been evolving since, well, the beginning of time. Whether it being nickels and dimes picked right from your pocket to the biggest heists where thieves walk away with millions in bounty. These days security systems have advanced with the times making it a mission to steal something as simple as a t-shirt as they all seemed to be tagged and guarded. However, this hasn’t stopped some modern day Jesse James’ from trying their hand at pulling off the big dirty.

It seems though that the art has been lost on some people. Nowadays it seems as if we see in the news more cases of people getting caught stealing stuff that has no business being theirs. And in some cases we are just starting to see bold acts of theft caught on camera with the perpetrator simply not giving a fuck.

There seems to be a trend going on recently of stealing animals. Not like delivery men stealing dogs from peoples homes which is a terrible yet popular way to acquire dogs amongst delivery men, quite like you can see here:

No this isn’t the animal theft I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people who steal sharks from aquariums and lemurs from zoos. Both of these stories are as true as the North is strong and free. In the first of these examples, it took a team of three people to scoop a shark out of an interactive exhibit and take it to the bathroom, wrap it in a wet towel and then walk it out in a stroller. The mastermind behind it all went in a few days prior disguised as a tank maintenance worker just to case the joint to form a plan. The latter of these examples clipped a hole in the fence of the lemur enclosure at the Southern California Zoo and made away with the oldest ring-tailed Lemur and left the hole open so the rest of the animals could escape.

Now the shark thief was said to be a “huge fish guy” and had tanks going from floor to ceiling in the house. This makes his heist a little more justifiable as his plumber salary probably made it hard to acquire things like sharks. But I think with a little reason, he could have avoided the felony. He could have avoided all of this with a fishing trip or two. However, in the case of the lemur thief, Aquinas Kasbar who is just 19 years old, you fucked up buddy. Stealing a lemur from the zoo wasn’t going to work because, well, it's a fucking monkey. Makes sense why he returned it in such a hurry. Whatever he’s on in his mug shot probably wore off and when he sobered up he was sketching because not only had he missed out on the past three days but he now had a pet ring-tailed lemur.

The Most Brutal Mugshot of 2019

This theft next story is a little… Well… Different. I mean it does come from Newfoundland so it does have to be taken with a grain of salt. However Lucas Dawe, 20, has recently pleaded guilty to a grave robbing case. Yes, he stole skeletal remains that were “quite old”. In fact they dated back to the 1800’s. I mean, I’m not one to judge but, I’m going to here. First of all, what are you going to do with skeletal remains? Did you just watch ‘How High’ because newsflash, that movie is fucking fake. Second of all, get your shit together Lucas bud, I don’t know you even a little, but I know you have better things to be doing. I know Newfoundland is small and perhaps a bit boring but like, man, go fishing, go moose watching, then go fishing… I don’t really know what else there is to do in Newfoundland… And last but not least, Lucas if you’re reading this, steal something that isn’t so fucking creepy, like a shark, or a lemur, or a dog. Let’s chill on the tomb raiding.

The last category of thieves who deserve some recognition are the finesse kings. For instance, take this man who sneaks this chainsaw out of a store down his pants. Check it out:

After a few moments of readjustment, he and his double sized gut walk out the door cool, calm and collected. Buddy literally looks the security camera right in the face, fixes his junk, says fuck you to the system then dips right up out that store. A bold move by a bold man. This work doesn’t go unnoticed chainsaw thief, you’re on our radar and we applaud the work you do in your stealing habits and in sticking it to the man.

That last example was bold but perhaps not as bold as this one. This story comes from the Czech Republic and is a heist of GTA proportions. A group of lads stole a 10-ton bridge. Yes, a 10-ton bridge. They faked papers saying they were there to renovate the bridge for a cycling path, rather than the train bridge that was there before. The team were even questioned by police but fooled them with even more documents and made off with 10-ton of steel from the bridge as well as 200 meters of train rail in broad daylight. Before I get into the rest of this story, that police officer should be fired, or he’s on coffee duty for the rest of his life.

This bridge heist isn’t the first of its kind though. Again in the Czech Republic back in 2008, thieves stole a four-ton train bridge in a quite similar manner. They pretty much just take it apart and put it into trucks with a crane and wheel it away. Simple as that. The thieves are thought to sell the metal for scrap because what the fuck else are you supposed to do with 10-tons of steel? These lads take the cake of best yet most unconventional thefts. I don’t know what the street price of 10-tons of steel is, but I only hope it was incredibly worth your efforts.

Now I’ve talked a lot about different things to steal and how to do it. This isn’t for you to get any ideas, just to let you know that you can do better than snagging candy bars and lighters from cashiers at gas stations. We here at ‘Down to The Wire’ aren’t pro-theft, but if you’re gonna go big, we can only show you love for that.

Photo & Video Credits

Bing | Videos | Pug Stolen Form Riverside Home by Spectrum Employee

NBC News | Phil Helsel | California man to plead guilty to stealing lemur from zoo

YouTube | DMedia | Fresno man steals chainsaw by stuffing it in his pants