This Army in Florida Might End The World

What’s your biggest fear? Sharks? Heart disease? Ex-girlfriend? North Korea? Trump?

Well whatever it is, scrap it cause there’s an army in the Sunshine State that can wipe out the entire nation. Well according to Thomas Lane, his army of turtles is ready to be unleashed to “destroy everyone”.

No this is not a joke… Either he’s hiding a group of juiced up mutant ninja turtles or the crack in Florida is absolutely amazing this time of the year. Police would eventually get a hold of him where he would repeatedly threaten unleashing the turtles, while even banging on the walls when taken to police headquarters.

Not only does Thomas Lane claim he has a deadly army of turtles, but he also self-proclaimed himself as a ‘saint’. We all know that if you give yourself a nickname, you’re probably a douchebag, or Thomas Lane.

During a 9-1-1 phone call while Lane was at a 7-Eleven ranting to customers about his army, he told the officer that he “needed to leave now or you’ll be sorry you fucked with the saint”.

Not to worry though folks, he was later arrested for disturbing the peace, resisting arrest, and misusing 9-1-1. But is this the last we’ve heard of him? He seemed pretty adamant on this army and clearly has some sort of master plan.

A few unanswered questions however. First, where is this ‘army of turtles’? Does he have them captive in his house? Does he own a house? Or does he live with them in the wild?

Maybe he made friends with them one crazy night after a few hits and they collectively came to a consensus that turtles don’t get respected enough. Thomas Lane could possibly be the chosen one when it comes to defending the turtles.

Also, does he really think that his turtles can take on the human race? I can crawl backwards after three bong hoots faster than a turtle can walk with a minute head start. I’d understand if he was attempting to take on Super Mario, but other than that this army can’t take on much.

Anyways, Thomas Lane seems to be taken care of, so rest easy Florida natives.


Canoe | Postmedia News | TURTLE POWER: Florida man threatened to destroy everyone with reptile army, cops say