Updated: Jan 13, 2020
Here at Down to the Wire we’re all about trends, some a bit more subtle than the others. Whether it be reptiles, Florida, vests or moose, when we find something that’s working, we run with that for as long as we can. Our newest trend that we cannot seem to be able to let go is Walmart. If you’ve been listening to us you’re probably familiar with our infatuation with Wally’s World.
Without a doubt it is the most interesting store in the world. But why is this the case? What makes Walmart such a magical place? I think it’s a rather simple answer though… There is everything anyone could ever need and it’s dirt cheap. So this combination makes for a deadly breeding ground for some of the greasiest and dirtiest scenarios known to man.
One of the stories that sticks out to me is one that highlights the use of simple logic. However, it may have been used at the wrong time. A lady at a Texas Walmart has been banned because she ate half of a cake at the store, brought it to the cashier, then demanded she only pay half price because she claimed that she found the cake that way. First of all, as fucking if you found half a cake on a shelf in Walmart. Wait, actually, that doesn’t seem that out of the picture. The second thing about this story that’s fucked up on a personal level is that this lady decided that this cake would be the best one to buy. The germs, the questions I would have, the not knowing of who ate the first half of the cake; it would all fuck with me pretty bad. But I guess that’s not really an issue if you’re the one who ate the first half of the cake… Your bigger issue suddenly becomes how stubborn you are and the state of denial you're in for doing something in a store that has several security cameras. This story coming from Texas makes it less surprising but nonetheless still pretty questionable.
This next story is really really really really really really twisted. Police in West Mifflin, PA. were on the hunt for a woman who has since turned herself in for PEEING ON THE POTATOES IN A WALMART. Yeah. Yeah. That’s some next level shit. What was going in Grace Brown’s mind that made her feel as if it was necessary to wiz all over some potatoes in a Walmart? Did she just wake up and look at her to-do list for the day that said; “10:00 wake up, 11:00 breakfast, 1:00 do laundry, 3:00 late lunch, 4:30 head on over to Walmart to piss on their shit, 5:30 start dinner”? I have so many questions. Was this a one-time thing? How do you squat in the potato display long enough to pee without anyone noticing? Why didn’t you just poop? It would have been way funnier. Is this somewhat therapeutic? Should I be taking leaks on potatoes in Walmart too? All of these questions will go unanswered, for better or worse. But damn would I love to know what it feels like to piss on a potato in a Walmart during broad daylight.
The next headline I’m going to use as an example to really drive home my point of, “what the fuck is going on in Walmart?!” The headline reads, “Woman faces 20 years in prison for licking ice cream tub in Walmart”. What do you get out of this? This is such a fucking weird thing to want to do. How do you just walk into a Walmart and completely abandon your plans of shopping and just go lick ice cream tubs and put them back? The people of Walmart are a different breed I don’t think anyone will come to understand.
In fact, speaking of people of Walmart, go check out the site www.peopleofwalmart.com as it will give you a lovely insight into the folks that roam the aisles of Walmart. It is quite literally a site that is dedicated to “The People of Walmart”. Updated everyday, with the finest shots of people you’d expect to be in such establishments, such as a guy wearing a cowboy hat, crop top, short shorts and cowboy boots… This is an actual person on the website. On the other side, it is hard to think that there’s a store out there with enough eye sores and fuck shows that there’s a need to have an entire website dedicated to the walks of life that enter the store. Rather disturbing if you think about it.
Also, this trend of finding people doing Walmart things at Walmarts may have been foreshadowed by a story we ranted about earlier in the year, when a Texas lady was found riding around an electronic shopping cart while drinking wine out of a Pringles can. To her defence, what else are you going to do at 6:30 in the morning. I'd love to drive down to Texas and pop out a lawn chair while waiting to see what the hell I'm missing out on, because I haven't achieved happiness in life if I've never felt the need to get hammered out of a Pringles can in front a Walmart before people even start their 9-5. Reading that back, it sounds like it could also be a new level of sadness, either way it builds character. Last note on this, it would be a Texas, Walmart native to somehow make wine trashy (yes, Texas, Walmart is a place now).
So with that, let us use this blog and my opinions to alter our use of Walmart. Let’s go back to the days where we would just try to make a sandwich without getting caught, or perhaps hitting baseballs as far as you can over the top of the aisles deep into the store. Shit even mix in a free work out in the stocked home gym in the middle of the athletics section. Let’s refine Wally’s World. Let’s take it from trashy, to classy. There’s no need for me to have to suffer anymore when I want discounted candy on November 1st. Let’s turn this place around and figure it out. Walmart doesn’t deserve the disrespect we give it (Texas and Florida I’m looking at you). You know you are a hot spot for fucked up Walmart stories, we’ll just get that elephant out of the room now. We here at DTTW want us all to work together to make your local Walmart, a happy place for all. Thank you.